My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
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[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?