My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
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mom had nothing to worry about
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I think about this a lot
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*