All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
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Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
A small tragedy.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Easy enough.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Pigeon open mic night.
Why soy sad?
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.