The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
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ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets