[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
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i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
What even happened today?
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.