When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
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7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I missed you with all my darts
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced