Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
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95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.