my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
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it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
(more comics:
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.