My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
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Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids