@GodShammGod9: My great grandma started to giggle at a barbecue and when I asked what's funny she said " everyone here is alive because I got laid ".
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@ericsshadow: 7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn't come last night. *wipes tear* Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.
@RoastedPapad: She : It's not working between us. He : Why ? She : For starters I can't handle your silly jokes. He : Hmm okay and for main course ?
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Why are you in such a bad mood? 5-year-old: I haven't had my coffee. Me: You've never had coffee. 5-year-old: Exactly.
@Mr_Kapowski: *eating before going in Costco* "Now I won't overeat samples* [5 mins later] *slams cup down* "Hit me again" "Sir, that was motor oil"