Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
You Might Also Like
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
mmm onion ringos
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
How do horror writers compete with current events?
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”