@brocketxyz: My greatest accomplishment as a father? Teaching my son to scream, "I WANT MOMMY," whenever my wife sends me into his room.
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@Lovestained555: If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
@joeljeffrey: I have a stalker now and it's super creepy. She shows up wherever I go... her house, her job, the women's restroom. I don't know what to do.
@BurroFuma: I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he's worse than a tweet thief; he's a time-travelling tweet thief!