@brocketxyz: My greatest accomplishment as a father? Teaching my son to scream, "I WANT MOMMY," whenever my wife sends me into his room.
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@amishschool: My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word "slimming", I explain to the other homeless people.
@TheTalkingPipe: They say it's the journey that matters and not the destination, which is good because I've no clue where I'm going.
@lazerdoov: Genie: I shall grant you three wis- Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me Genie: here's the thing Jeff, Kate's with me now...
@DaddyJew: "Daddy, how are babies made?" "Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink.."