The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
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[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*