@brocketxyz: My greatest accomplishment as a father? Teaching my son to scream, "I WANT MOMMY," whenever my wife sends me into his room.
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@MandiAtRandom: Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth...and drink all the vodka inside. It seems to help
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Our daughter lied to me. Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth? 5-year-old: It's only for people who don't have lawyers.
@annaetuck: Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That's the cheapest birth control you will ever have.