If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
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After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY