My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
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I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
My dress code is business-casualty.
i now pronounce you bounced.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
What even happened today?
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.