@envydatropic: My greatest fear is that I'll be reported as a missing person and my family guesstimates my weight way higher than what I actually weigh
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@KyleMcDowell86: *puts stethoscope up to chest* Dr: I dont hear..U don't have a heart Karen "Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?" *Im in the bushes giggling*
@KeetPotato: [on quiz show] "and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?" *leans way too close into the microphone* spend it alex
@bobvulfov: [as i'm getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who's gonna feed my tamagotchis
@kellyoxford: Cyclists who don't obey street signs should have to wear their google search history on a t-shirt.