@sixfootcandy: [gym] Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

@Cheeseboy22: Something I like to do when I'm voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, "What did you put for number 3?"

@SSparklesDaily: Cats won't give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

@moooooog35: Mechanic: Your car won't pass inspection Me: Here's $20 to look the other way Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won't pass inspection

@: [Changes Siri to male] ME: Siri, tell me the— MALE SIRI: Listen, here’s what you need to know. ME: I… MALE SIRI: Excuse me, I’m speaking