My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
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They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
how to exercise your calf muscles
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Worth a try
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people