My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
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I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
i actually laughed 😩
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
notice
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”