My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
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*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…