My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
You Might Also Like
my sentiments exactly
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house