My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
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I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I wish I were this cool 😂
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
No way!
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too