My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
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what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
found my next D&D character name
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered