My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
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Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
podcasts
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*