My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
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Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
new career option?
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene