@Dutch_50: My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
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@GensPlace: Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn't mean bottle.
@sad_tree: [courtroom] Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID Shark: I'm telling you idk *whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
@novicefather: [grocery store with 2yo] Cashier: your son is so cute. What do you want to have next? Me: a vasectomy
@thomaswhitehead: London is like the best era of Batman at the moment. Well-orchestrated mild commuter panic and Prince stalking the streets.