@Dutch_50: My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
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@RidiculousSheri: Him: I know your secret Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah? H: You killed someone M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
@novicefather: [iphone vibrates] 3yo: daddy someone is texting you [landline phone rings] 3yo: what is that sound?
@SadPeruna: Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
@Phook75: FACT: If you can trick a British person into saying "fortnight" they have to become your butler.