My guardian angel deserves a raise
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Don’t snitch tag.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I hope this email finds you in a well
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years