@coolandbreezey: My guardian angel deserves a raise
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@lovemydogduck: My Phone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyways
@Marlebean: A "clear memory" button, but for my brain. And while we're at it, a "delete cookies" button, but for my thighs.
@im_not_smug: Coworker: That's a stupid song Me: Your face is stupid Coworker: Way to be mature Me: YOUR FACE IS MATURE!!
@XplodingUnicorn: Teenager: Bae swag YOLO Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.