*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
You Might Also Like
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
2023 was just a warmup
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”