*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
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[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I wanna be friends with this person
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
*lint rolls you awake*
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce