My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
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Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”