My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
You Might Also Like
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.