My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
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I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!