My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
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that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
sleeping beauty
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
My current situation
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?