My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
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FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.