My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
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Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
me when i see my girls butt
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes