Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
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LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for