My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
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That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
me and who
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning