*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
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I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
OH. COME. ON.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership