@realHamOnWry: My hamster, Max, was involved in a terrible accident. He must have fallen asleep at the wheel.
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@rickolantern: Me: Was this product tested on animals? Clerk: Yes. Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!! Clerk: Sir, that's a dog leash.
@gitson_shiggles: Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that "Caitlyn Jenner" was not a valid answer.
@ElKnuckelhombre: I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks man!
@envydatropic: I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks