@realHamOnWry: My hamster, Max, was involved in a terrible accident. He must have fallen asleep at the wheel.
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@1evilidiot: It's funny when you tell someone that you don't like people, they always think you mean other people.
@BitterWaterBlue: Out of Office Auto-Reply: I'm sorry but I'm overwhelmed and I don't have my shit together right now so it's going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
@pleatedjeans: [Xmas morning] wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins. "dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree* me: JUST OPEN IT
@YoungNobler: New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.