[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
You Might Also Like
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
What a year we’ve had this week.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
We’ve all been there
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.