Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
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I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?