Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
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Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did