My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
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I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing