My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
You Might Also Like
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.