I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
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People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass