Weirdos gonna weird.
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me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”