My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
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Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago