My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
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how it started vs how it ended
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
#MeanwhileinCanada
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”