My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
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[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
The Others (2001)
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me