My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
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Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Buying a well is money well spent.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific