Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.