*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
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here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
wow
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
He wanted to make sure😂
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend