@RoyalThough: My heart says food, food and more food...but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
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@ilovepie84: This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the "Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen" that should confuse her for a while.
@jjax44: I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone's like "New sandwich?"
@SharkJelly: Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon? Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
@secondofhername: [if Lois Lane was a witness] Criminal: *puts on glasses* Lois Lane: I'm sorry, I've never seen this man before.