My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad馃槳
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*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Tweet like you鈥檒l never run for public office.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can鈥檛 remember but he has gray hair
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That鈥檚 normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don鈥檛 even measure when I cook.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
sorry but I鈥檓 allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.