Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
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Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.